Craig Daniels

Have you ever seen the experiment when they put the mouse in the maze to see if he can find the cheese? Inevitably that mouse comes to the wall where the cheese is just on the other side of it but he just keeps bumping into the wall. He just doesn’t get it, he never learns his lesson. Well the point of this is, whenever I have had any kind of interaction with Gary Akin, I am that mouse. No matter how outlandish the previous thing we did together was I never learn my lesson. I always get sucked back in for more.

Not long ago my wife had to pick me up at work. Of all the rotten luck, for me anyway, Gary is pulling in to work at that instant. Well these two are old kayaking buddies (dopes) so they of course have to exchange pleasantries. And after a brief exchange the conversation of course has to steer my way. Now if I was smart I would have jammed the car into drive and stepped on Joanne’s foot to squeal away the second I saw Gary, but of course I didn’t think of it. In any event the conversation went as follows:

Gary: “Hey Joanne when are you gonna let Craig go fishing with me?”

Joanne: “Cripes Gary I would pay you to get him away from me for a little while (a loving woman)!”

Gary: “Really he always says you guys are so busy any time I ask him to do anything. But hey in that case how about Friday?”

Craig: “Geeze Gary that would be great but we have that thing (for god sakes man think of something), that thing… um what is it we have to do Joanne?”

Joanne: We have nothing going on plus I will be able to sleep in as long as you’re not in the house making noise.”

Craig: “WHY THANK YOU JOANNE!” I don’t know what I was thinking, my apologies Gary. (you sick bastard, I mutter under my breath)

I’d like to smack her when I get home, and I probably would if I didn’t know she would kick the shit out of me, leaving me with bruises I would rather not try to explain. So I try to make the best of it and offer to buy the Night Crawlers for this fishing trip. When I make this offer Gary gives me a look that shrivels the last bit of manhood out of my body. “Buy the worms? Hell no we will pick them. Be at my house Thursday night just after nightfall. Nightfall? Who the hell says that anymore? “Yeah” I reply “I’ll be there as soon as it gets DARK”.

So our story begins.

I live only a few miles from Gary so I give him a call to let him know I am on my way to pick worms. He says fine, although there seems to be a lot of testosterone in his voice. I am feeling scared already. I pull up at his house and there isn’t a light on and I am thinking, I just f$%king talked to him, where the hell is he? I get out of my truck and I swear I can hear a faint African tribal chant somewhere. I go to the door and knock…no answer. I suppose the jackass is out back so I look out there…nothing. Well by now I have to piss so I head over to some bushes and unzip when all of a sudden I jump out of my skin when I realize nutbag is about four inches from me.

“What the hell is the matter with you?” I scream. He is dressed in camouflage from head to toe, and he has mud smeared all over his arms and face and he smells like piss. I thought we were going night crawling, not on a patrol down the HO CHI MINH Trail. He says he doesn’t pick worms he stalks them, he becomes one with the worm he wants to live like one and he thinks like one. Anyone seeing this goofball isn’t going to argue he thinks like one.

Anyone who has ever had the misfortune of having to deal with Gary knows that he is not of this time. He is an avid outdoorsman, a nature freak, I guess it is his endearing quality. At least I tell myself that because I don’t know how else he would have got his wife to marry him (although I have always suspected there was foul play involved there). You see he should have been born a long time ago, in the days of the true frontiersman. As I look at him I know just the place, with Davey Crockett at the Alamo! Yes that would have been perfect!

But back to the task at hand. I say “Come on lets get this over with”. Of course it can’t be that easy, it never is with Gary. He pulls out his GPS and tells me it will lead us right to them. “Uh, yeah Gary we could do that or just go out in your front friggen’ yard!” After a brief argument we decide to each do it our own way, mostly because he is appalled by the fact I want to use a flashlight to get the worms, and he wants to rely on his skill and cunning. If that is what he wants to rely on I should let him because with his cunning he won’t pick one worm and I’ll be out of this trip altogether! For Joanne’s sake (bitch don’t know I set the alarm for 4 AM) I agree to help him and we split up. I go out in the front yard and he just fades into the dark going god know where.

After about 20 minutes I have picked about 40 worms which is plenty for this trip so I go sit on Gary’s front porch and wait for his return. After about 20 minutes he appears, walking down the road. Numb nuts got lost picking worms, with his GPS! He spots me on his porch and acts like he knew where he was. He says he is just about done, but he wants to go through the spots I have picked, to pick up all I have missed. Whatever. I ask if he wants the flashlight. He merely holds up his hand to say no. So I lean back to watch this performance.

He crouches down, like a cat before pouncing on a mouse, and then suddenly springs after a worm. He repeats this several times. The whole time all I can do is bury my face in my hands and shake my head, then pull down like I am trying to pull the skin off my face.. you know what I mean when you put your fingers just under your eyes and then stretch them down. I try to make it painful so it takes my mind off this performance going on in front of me. The cars driving by and the neighbors pay no attention to him, I guess they have grown accustomed to his act.

After about 15 minutes he comes over panting and proudly shows me his can. Inside there is some grass, what looks to be a rusty nail, and a half a worm! In Gary’s eyes however, it is the mother lode. I say nothing, because quite frankly there is nothing to say his actions speak volume’s. I say good bye sprinting to the truck, hoping to make a quick getaway. Gary is weary of this trick by now (probably because that is how everyone leaves after spending any time with him) and quickly yells “I’ll pick you up at 3 AM, we have a long hike ahead of us in the morning.”

As I get in the truck I reflect on the night and I only have one thing on my mind…DIVORCE!”””

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