I got a phone call the other day from an old friend I used to work with. It was Joanne, who had left the employment of the U.S. Postal Service to pursue her life’s calling, which is to help those in need or down on their luck. Joanne became a nurse. I guess her goodness and desire to help those who have trouble or assisting those who have a problem fending for themselves, courses through her veins 24/7, because she did marry Craig Daniels after all. I’ve never met anyone more helpless and less self reliant. God Bless You Joanne, you are truly a saint!
After we exchanged pleasantries, Joanne had paused a moment before continuing. “Gary, I’m having a problem with Craig, and I really need your help.” ( Well, that didn’t surprise me, everyone has a problem with Craig ) But, since I like Joanne and I also, had noticed that Craig’s condition had seemed to be deteriorating, ( meaning he was becoming an even BIGGER asshole ) I offered my assistance. Joanne continued, “As you know, Craig likes everything to be perfectly planned, aligned, structured, measured, scheduled, collated, numbered, and arranged.” ( No Shit, Joanne! Hell we already knew Craig was an anal freak! ) She added, “I love Craig, but our life lacks spontaneity. I suggested the other night that maybe we could go see a movie or something, and he started shaking and sweating asking me “What do you mean, something?” and “What movie?, What time does it Start?, When does it End?, Where is it playing?, When will we get home?,…”. “When he’s not at work he just spends his time watching cooking shows from 9 a.m. till 10:30, then he buries his nose in a romance novel till 12:30, another cooking show for 30 minutes, and then he starts looking out the window, waiting for the mail to be delivered. He gives me constant status reports, “The mail is one minute late today!… The mail is two minutes late today!…”, and it just keeps going on.” “Wow, Joanne”, I sympathized, “you’ve really got your hands full. I don’t know how you do it!” “What can I do to help?” “I was hoping you could take him off my hands for a day and… ( I like Joanne, but she was really asking for a lot now! ) Show him that there’s more to life.” “Maybe, getting him out of his routine for a day would do him good.” “Besides, I really need a break!”
I should add here, that during this entire conversation I had the “Outdoor Life Network” channel playing on the T.V…. ( There’s this GREAT show about fishing for smallmouth bass that’s scheduled every day at 2:30 in the afternoon ) when one of those “Take Me Fishing” commercials came on. It always has all those cute slogans, “Take me fishing because,… “I miss my son”, “I’m not gonna be a little girl forever”, etc., etc….
“That’s It!”, I exclaimed, “Hey Joanne, I’ll take Craig fishing!”. ( Because he’s a helpless jerk, and his wife wants a day off! ) “What day is good for you guys?”, I asked. “Yesterday would have been fine, but as soon as possible is a good option”, Joanne responded. “Great, I’ll take him out in my boat tomorrow”, I offered. “Uh, you’re not talking about a kayak or canoe?”, Joanne queried, “Craig has vowed to never again get into a small watercraft again. “Naw, Joanne, I’ve gotten myself a regular fishing boat with folding seats and an outboard motor.” “We’ll be fine. Meet me at the boat launch tomorrow.”
Well the next day when I got to the boat launch, Joanne and Craig were already waiting. ( I guess Joanne really did want to dump Craig for some personal time pretty badly ) They got out of the car and walked over to check out my boat. “Hi guys!” I greeted. Craig and I walked around behind the boat so I could show him the engine. Just then we heard a door slam, and tires screeched, ( or was it Craig who screeched? ) and Joanne was gone! “JOANNNNNNE!” Craig wailed. He really looked scared shitless…. But then he always looked scared shitless, at least whenever I’d been around him. “Relax Craig, she’ll be back in four hours to pick you up. We’re going fishing together. I guess she just forgot to tell you”. About that time I noticed Craig seemed to be perspiring pretty heavily, even though it wasn’t all that hot. He also seemed to have developed a nervous twitch on one side of his face. ( What a pathetic ASS! )
I had Craig breath into a paper bag while I launched the boat, and after he’d calmed down, I even managed to get him into the boat. ( I had to take him by the hand, I hope no one I knew was around with a camera ) But eventually we were off. Craig had donned his life jacket, after I’d showed him the U.S. Coast Guard approval tag, and settled into a seat for our ride out to the far side of Valcour Island. I usually have pretty good luck out there but unfortunately, this one day, when I really wanted to catch some fish they just weren’t cooperating. We tried everything, topwater lures, tube baits, crankbaits, working up the shoreline using the trolling motor and casting, and finally in one cove we anchored and just lobbed bait out under bobbers… NOTHING!
Craig’s constant whining was beginning to get on my nerves, I’ll admit, but anyone would get tired of three straight hours of… “Why aren’t they biting?… When will they bite?… Should we try somewhere else?… Maybe it’s too deep,… Maybe it’s too shallow,… How cold is the water? FOR CRIPE SAKE! Does he never stop?!!!
“Craig”, I finally explained, “we are out here fishing!” “Nothing is guaranteed!” “It really is a lot like life, some days are better than others. You really have to experience a few days that don’t go quite as well as you’d like, to truly appreciate the good ones. Some times things go exactly as expected and sometimes you just have to deal with things that you don’t expect. And sometimes, being able to salvage a bad day and turning it into a good one can be extremely satisfying. And sometimes,.. the exact same thing which isn’t very appealing to one person,” I patiently informed him, as I pulled up the anchor and handed it to him, “can be very appealing to someone else”. I started the engine and slammed the control to forward with full throttle.
“Take for instance, you flipping backward off the boat just now holding onto that anchor. I fully expected that to happen,… not only that, I find it very appealing. You on the other hand, probably didn’t expect it at all, and I sincerely don’t believe that you find it appealing in the least…. Oh, by the way, how COLD is that water back there? Is it DEEP? You know what, Craig? I think that since the fish aren’t biting maybe we should just take a boat ride. I’ll show you around the lake”. We raced north past Crab Island, and I have to admit I enjoyed the fact that Craig wasn’t saying much. Of course he did have to keep his trap shut to keep from swallowing too much of Lake Champlain. He kind of looked like a torpedoe from one of those old war movies. Off we roared toward Cumberland Head, I hollered back to Craig, “Hey check it out, the ferry to Vermont is running right on time!” I glanced back and somehow between gasps, sputters, and everything else, I think he signaled to me with an an upraised finger that I was “Number One!” What a great day! It was about that time, I hollered back at Craig that I appreciated his contribution to saving the day. We hadn’t had any fun casting or fishing with bait. But by causing me to become exasperated, I came up with the idea to start,…. TROLLING!
Well we were due to meet Joanne back at the boat launch in twenty minutes so I really had to make time. I swung around and jetted back to the south. When I was several hundred yards from the launch, I noticed Joanne was standing there waiting. I roared straight at the shore and at the last minute cut the boat sharply and pulled a 180. Craig meanwhile following one of Newton’s Law’s was an object in motion and continued thus forth until he reached the rocky shoreline. Finally!, he released his hold from the anchor and rope and tumbled up on to dry land. I throttled back to wave goodbye to Craig and wish Joanne well. Craig limped to the passenger side and climbed in quietly.
It was about a week later when I again got a phone call from Joanne. “Gary!, you’re amazing! Craig is a changed man. I asked Craig yesterday if he’d like to go out to eat and he consented without a whimper! The dinner didn’t even go well, as a matter of fact, the waiter even spilled hot coffee on Craig’s lap and he wasn’t even upset at all. He just smiled, told the waiter it was his fault for being in the way and laughed all the way to the hospital. He said some days just go better than others, and this one sure as hell beats the heck out of a day of fishing!
Adirondack Camp Journal 